Mmm Stranko Makes Pretty Turkey

Turkey Go Boom

As you can tell, I was bursting with pride after I made the turkey in my SEEN ON TV TURKEY. When the next turkey season rolled around I was besides myself with excitement. My landlord had just spiffed up my kitchen and I had a brand new stove. Oh boy oh boy, sweet pretty turkey, my pretty turkey.

I carefully planned my turkey cooking day. All autumn slowly I watched my turkey points accrue on my grocery store receipts. Then came the triumphant day I cradled my free 20lb frozen baby and carried it home. Slowly, over the course of many days, the turkey thawed in the fridge until Saturday rolled around and I had all my surfaces and materials prepped and ready.

I made sure my digital camera had good batteries as I day dreamed about propping a sexy photo shoot of my gorgeous finished bird. Clusters of cranberries nestled in the crook of it's elbows? Sprigs or rosemary tucked underneath? Maybe a pomander ball jammed into it's golden brown maw?

I went to the computer and made sure to follow my own directions exactly. I preheated the oven to 500 degrees as I greased my salted and scraped bird. Carefully I molded a tin foil breast shield to slip in place after it sears. With a flourish I slipped the turkey in the oven and did a happy pants dance as I washed my filthy hands. My pretty turkey, sweet pretty turkey.

I was tidying up the kitchen about 15 minutes later when I heard a MASSIVE ((POP)) saw a flash, smelled ozone, and the lights went out. Fuck! Smoke was rolling out from behind and under the oven. Electrical zzzz zzzz noises rang in my ears as I grabbed the fire extinguisher off the wall.

I crept toward the oven, crouching in my apron, clutching a fire extinguisher. I opened the oven door. The inside of the oven appeared ok, bird looked ok, no smoke. Hmm. I closed the door. Black wisps floated up from behind the stove. I slid the stove away from the wall with a few bumps of my hip and the black charred wires were obviously the problem, they were still smoking.

The pristine back of the white stove was smudged, charred and filthy. The cord was a huge crazy 220 volt plug on one end and other end was a tangle of wires that looked melted to the back of the stove. I looked at the giant 3 prong industrial plug flush against the wall socket like a lamprey and knew there was no way I was touching that god damn thing. Ozone and burnt plastic hung in the air, a scary smell.

"Honey, can you come here." I called upstairs to my husband who had somehow missed the noise, the smell and the fact the lights were out. Again I whined nonchalantly, "Honey."

It didn't take long to figure out not only was the circuit breaker in our apartment tripped, the circuit breaker in our whole BUILDING was tripped. The master breaker was in basement, MAYBE. My young gay neighbor was NOT happy he didn't have lights and heat and that it was MY fault. Sketchy and scattered as he was, he had a right to be as pissy as he was prissy.

So not only did we have to find our landlord, who was the only one with access to the basement but I had to figure out what to do with a full thawed, dressed, oiled, and partially heated turkey. Now I've been told that there's a real cute movie called PIECES OF APRIL that deals with a similar situation-a bird with no oven. I even remember previews, cute, quirky and heartwarming. I never saw it.

"Hi"
"HI"
"How ya doing?"
"Fine, done packing and getting ready to head out for the weekend"
"Really, the whole weekend?"
"Yeah, I'm going with Skeeter and Edie to their beach house for a lost weekend"
"Oh god, have a blast."
"Thanks I will. (pause) Did you call to say just say hi"
"Well, I was kinda wondering what you were doing tonight, but you've got plans so we'll catch up when you come back, have a blast"
"Ok, talk to you later"
"Bye"
"Bye"

After a few calls I lost my composure. Impending salmonella and raw turkey disposal had made me into a mad woman.

"Hi"
"Oh Jim, thank god you're home"
"Well sure, what's up sweetie"
"It's awful, it's horrible, my stove blew up"
"Oh no, your stove blew up"
"Yeah, my stove blew up, giant loud POP, huge POP, and then smoke, tons of smoke, you could hardly breath with all the smoke"
"Oh my god, are you ok"
"Oh yeah, I'm ok, the breaker tripped, not just the one in our house, the one for the whole BUILDING, so there was no fire, just an explosion, and smoke"
"oh god, that's terrible"
"I know we can't find the landlord and we have no electricity, no heat."
"Oh shit."
"I know, it's criminal, we've tried every number for him, but listen, I've got a big problem, need a favor"
"Sure what's up"
"The stove blew up when I put a turkey in it. So I have this turkey that's warm and I have no electricity, so I can't cook it or put it in the fridge. I hate to ask this, but, can I use your stove?"
laugh "My stove?"
"To cook the turkey, I mean are you going to be home today, can I use your stove"
"You want to COOK your turkey at MY HOUSE?"
"Yeah, I know it's crazy, but my fridge doesn't work and it's already sort of started cooking, and I don't want to throw it away"
"well, uh"
"You can have some when it's done, and my recipe doesn't involve basting, so you won't have to do anything, except well, not put anything else in your stove while it cooks"
"You have to baste it, you can't have a great turkey without basting!! That's crazy"

Ironically the only thing big enough to support my big bird for it's walk across town was my large wooden carving board. I thought my crooked arms were going to break once I'd gotten to Jim and Rita's and slid that god damn bird on their counter. After hugs and kisses we got right to the matter at hand.

"I've got the oven preheated like you asked, but it seems a bit high"
"oh, it's not for long, it's just long enough to sear it." Jim gave me an incredulous look, raised eyebrows and knowing smirk that said once I was gone, the bird was his to baste and baste and baste. On the tv behind him Christian Bale was slaughtering whores. Jim had wired his house most impressively, so whatever he put on the dvd player was simulcast to all the tvs in his home. He and Rita were big movie buffs.

"You know there's a movie about this" He said after closing his oven door on the bird that had cooled only slightly during it's 5 block walk. I laughed nervously. "It looked like a real cute movie. This sweet young thing had to use other people's kitchen's to cook thanksgiving" I felt old and so un-cute and slack.
"No, I haven't seen it, just the trailer. Do you think it's good?"
"No, but it's just like in that movie, what is it, Pieces of April"
"Well I hope you don't mind having turkey for dinner"
"Oh no, sounds fine, i was making something else, but I'm flexible. I've got massive amount of work to do today but I don't need my stove to do it, so I don't mind." He shrugged expectantaly, "so were you making all the other stuff that goes with Turkey?"
"No, no special dinner, I was just making turkey for fun. No big whoop" Jim seemed relieved I wasn't going to ask him to cook my cornbread dressing, gravy and green bean casserole too.

Even though it didn't matter to him, I shared my recipe/technique with Jim. It was easy to view my site on their laptop since their house had wireless internet. Jim, an accomplished gourmand, who made the best quiches I've ever eaten, who ALWAYS has Pimms and Limoncello on hand smiled sweetly. Yeah right, I'm gonna ask him to save my ass and tell him how to do it.

I called a few times after I left to check on the turkey's temperature and after 4 and half hours, me and hubby wandered back to Jim and Rita's. We could barely smell turkey from the end of the block. As we approached their front door our tummies rumbled, the golden delicious aroma greeting us as we knocked. Jim's kitchen is right inside his front door and we were washed by amber ripples of meaty goodness when he opened the door. It was unbelievable how good the turkey smelled.

It sat on Jim's kitchen island, glistening in the low romantic, flattering light that made it's aluminum pan seem like holy manger or sepulcher. Our shiny happy faces though glad to see each other were all under the spell of the bird. Our eyes sparkled as if we were gathered around a bonfire. Though we didn't eat dinner with Jim and Rita, we all had other things scheduled that day, gladly we urged them to cut more turkey for themselves. Ladle more drippings for themselves. They demurred and I felt guilty wrapping up more than half of it and taking it home.

My arms didn't hurt carrying this cooked bird the five blocks back to our home. I had most of it's flesh, it's bones, it's essential liquid essence, but it's golden amber crackling ghost was flying around Jim and Rita's house.

We had a real treat when we got home, our lights were on! Yippe. I sat the turkey on our dead stove as hubby read the note from the landlord saying it'd be a while before he could fix the stove. Our house smelled like ozone, fire. I wished we had eaten with Jim and Rita, but after imposing on them so unexpectedly I didn't want to impose further, but maybe I should have.